Giving into a weak emotion.

I have always...ok, no, that's a lie...I have for the last 5 years...considered myself to be an independent, responsible, strong, open, realistic person.

I'd say it began during my first trip to Europe. During the trip I found so many things: importance of a good strong friendship, appreciation for different cultures, independence, etc. That started the end of my 2 year relationship. I needed to be free and on my own. Let me insert, Ryan, my boyfriend then, was an amazing boyfriend and friend! I still enjoy having him in my life to this day! Although in the end we weren't meant to be, he is now making a wonderful girl happy and he deserves great things:)

As I found my independence on that trip and as I discovered a whole new world, way of living, and interest in bigger and better things...I grew. While I still loved friends and family a part of me grew separate from them and I was happy to feel...like an adult. Like an adult that could function happily on her own.

A year later I met Nick. Who knew he would be my future husband? Who knew he would join the military? So many things change from day to day. None of the "could be's" seemed to matter then because as I said, I was independent;) Whatever came to be would...eventually...come to be. And I was sure I could take it all on!

Then my love grew...and grew...and grew and grew...and I realized...I didn't want to be independent. I say this meaning...reliant ONLY on myself...I wanted to rely on Nick and I wanted him to rely on me...in any way...in many ways...

The Coast Guard took him several places...all away from me...and I continued to feel strong...suddenly...lately, I don't. Because of the hurricanes Nick has been in and out for the last week and this morning was the last time I will see him for two weeks. He saw my sadness and asked what would happen when we started 'cutter life'. I said, "Cry every single day:(". Which...I won't. I'd like to still think I'm realistic and independent enough to make it through that with as little sadness as possible. Trying to maintain my life as normally as I can with my other half missing for potentially months at a time...

It's just funny because I don't think when you dive in head first, with butterflies, dates, cuddles, hugs, kisses, smiles, growing feelings, building plans...you realize in the midst of loving someone so much it can hurt so bad. I say I'm ready to get out of this town. Experience a new place with my husband, get his sea time...but when I go...I think I'll realize what I had here...him...almost always. I really shouldn't complain. So many have it way worse. Not just other CG families, but other military families with their fathers, husbands, sons, etc in Iraq for years at a time...

It's just difficult. Another obstacle to overcome, another test, another lesson, another opportunity for me to grow in a new way...it just...umm...

SUCKS:)